Friendship with “No”

Understanding why “no” is often a nervous system message — not defiance.

Most of us were raised to think that a firm “no” was a door slam — the end of cooperation, the start of conflict. But what if “no” is actually one of the most honest, helpful messages the nervous system can send? During the holidays, when expectations are high and energy is low, “no” might just be the body’s way of whispering, “I’m at capacity, please handle with care.”

Learning to make friends with “no” doesn’t mean giving up boundaries — it means hearing what’s underneath them.

“No” isn’t rebellion — it’s data with a pulse (and a little personality).

✨ One thing to remember

When a child, teen, or adult with sensory or neurodevelopmental differences says “no,” it is communication, not confrontation.

“No” can mean:
• “I don’t have capacity for that.”
• “My brain is tired.”
• “That feels unpredictable.”
• “That’s too much stimulation.”
• “I’m overwhelmed.”
• “I need control somewhere in my day.”
• “My body feels uncomfortable.”
• “I need a break before I can say yes.”
• “I’m scared of failing.”

Especially during the holidays — when everything is louder, brighter, busier, sweeter, and more chaotic — “no” becomes one of the most honest regulation signals you’ll hear.

The “no” is rarely about the task.
It’s about capacity.

And you can build a relationship with “no” that makes life easier for BOTH of you.

✨ One thing to release

Release the belief that “no” is disrespectful, ungrateful, stubborn, or “bad behaviour.”

Some things to let go of:
• “They’re just being difficult.”
• “They’re ruining the moment.”
• “They need to be more flexible.”
• “They’re doing this on purpose.”
• “They shouldn’t refuse — it’s a holiday.”
• “They always say no!”

Nope.
If “yes” requires emotional energy and executive functioning — and the nervous system is already drained — “no” is simply a safer answer.

You’re not losing the moment.
You’re learning more about what their brain can handle.

✨ One thing that may help today

Turn “no” into a doorway, not a dead-end.

Try:
✅ “Thanks for telling me no — that helps me understand.”
✅ “Do you want to do it later or skip it?”
✅ “Do you need a break first, or is this a hard no?”
✅ “Want help, or do you want me to do it for now?”
✅ “Would you like Option A or Option B instead?”
✅ “Is the problem the activity, the timing, or something else?”
✅ “Do you want to watch, join for a minute, or skip it entirely?”
✅ “Would you like more information before deciding?”

You can also pre-empt the no with:
✅ offering fewer steps
✅ prepping them in advance
✅ reducing sensory load
✅ shortening the task
✅ lowering expectations
✅ using predictability cues (“Here’s what’s next…”)

Friendship with “no” means treating it as data, not disobedience.

It means responding with curiosity instead of correction.

And it often turns into:
Less arguing.
Less pressure.
Less emotional drain.
More connection.
More cooperation.
More safety.