Kindness First: Understanding Social Differences at the Holidays

A gentle note for anyone navigating the holidays alongside neurodiverse people — including individuals with FASD

Let’s start with something simple:
Not everyone experiences holiday social expectations the same way.

A lot of what we call “good manners” — eye contact, fast thank-yous, hugging relatives, smiling for photos — are actually complex brain tasks.
Tasks that require:

• processing speed

• emotional regulation

• sensory comfort

• memory

• social prediction

Those aren’t personality traits — they’re brain functions.

So if you don’t have a neurodiverse person in your life, here’s something helpful to know:
When someone doesn’t react the way you expect, they’re not being rude — they may just be overwhelmed.

🎁 One thing to keep in mind

Holiday “niceness” is often built on unspoken scripts.
Most of us learned those scripts without thinking —
smile, respond fast, make small talk, hug, say thank you right now.

But for some neurodiverse people, unspoken scripts can feel like:

• pressure

• confusion

• sensory overload

• emotional demand

• social performance

You might see a delayed “thank you.”
Or less eye contact.
Or no interest in hugs.
Or a quieter reaction to gifts.

It’s not disrespect.
It’s processing.

💡 One thing to release

Release the idea that feelings must be expressed on your timeline.
Some brains need:

• time

• space

• fewer eyes watching

• a quieter room

• a break before responding

That’s not defiance.
That’s self-regulation.

And supporting regulation is not spoiling someone — it’s helping them stay safe and steady.

🙋 A small shift that helps

Instead of assuming:

“They don’t care.”
try:
“Maybe they’re overwhelmed.”

Instead of pushing:

“Say thank you now.”
you might notice:
“They said it later, when their brain caught up.”

Gratitude doesn’t expire.

🧊 Gentle reminders for holiday gatherings

• A neutral facial expression doesn’t mean someone is ungrateful

• Avoiding eye contact doesn’t mean someone isn’t listening

• Not wanting hugs doesn’t mean they dislike you

• Wanting space doesn’t mean they’re dramatic

• Needing to leave early doesn’t mean they “can’t handle life”

Sometimes love looks like respecting boundaries.

If someone doesn’t perform a Hallmark-movie reaction to a gift, don’t panic.

They’re not auditioning for Holiday Spirit: The Musical.
They’re just existing in a human body with a nervous system.

🌟 One last thing

You don’t need to fix anyone.
You don’t need to coach reactions.
You don’t need to “make them socialize.”

What helps most is simple kindness:

• patience

• curiosity

• space

• acceptance

Holiday joy doesn’t have to look loud to be real.
Support doesn’t need an audience.
And safety matters more than performance.

Thanks for helping make community spaces more understanding —
and yes, we are here. 💚